Who your friends are

It's interesting. There are a few people who I met/reconnected with immediately after I moved here. A couple were through work, and I definitely still keep in touch with them. It kind of bums me out not to see them on a daily basis any more, but we talk and that's nice. Then there are some people who I met at the barn early on in my time in StL. Two in particular were there when I arrived. One, M, was a trainer, and one, N, was an amateur who taught a few lessons to help defray costs. Within the last year they have left the barn.

Within the last year, N had been driving me a little crazy. She was clearly unhappy with her situation, and I got to the point where I didn't really want to see her outside of work. This fall she behaved a little inappropriately, our boss reacted A LOT inappropriately, and N quit. I was sorry to see her go in such a bad way. She was a very hard worker, was often treated unfairly, but she was not without fault in the relationship. These days, N has a lot of bitterness and she is just something of an angry person. While I never considered her my best friend, I feel it is pretty clear that our friendship is over. While I may not mourn its loss too keenly, I feel for N. She really let a shitty situation damage her. She is broken. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

M was another story. She began to realize how bad things were for her. So instead of taking it, she actively found another job. She gave her resignation, the boss told her not to work her two weeks, and she moved on. Since leaving, there have been many stories about things she did or said. Who knows what is true. Many of the things the boss says just don't jive with what I saw in the years I have known her. I will say that I saw one sketchy thing happen in the aftermath, but it is just so hard to reconcile the person I knew with the stories I'm hearing now. I have tried to maintain a friendship with M, but the boss is so paranoid about her that I feel like I can't really be close to M any more.

Out of all this I have gained what I think is a really close friend. C is also a part-timer like me. She watched the craziness go down this year and has felt many of the things I have regarding M and N. We have really leaned on each other for support over these past months. I hope that even when we have moved past this part of our lives we can stay close. I only worry that we are like disaster survivors: tight to keep each other alive but unable to have a relationship afterwards because of painful memories. We went to lunch last week, and it was nice to be away from the BS and just enjoy a salad and a drink together.

Considering I am already living in a place where I feel lost and friendless, I am just beginning to understand how hard it has been for me to feel even more isolated. I am grateful I have had some social outlets in the past six months. (Thanks to StLWed girls.) I just know myself. I can't handle being a one woman show. I need friends and to see and talk with people. I don't want to turn into N. DH wouldn't be ok with a bitter wife. I know I need to get out of that toxic work situation. The question is how. Boss has screwed herself into an untenable situation. I'm all she's got, and she is taking three people I like very much to an out of town horse show next week. I think I just have to hold my shit together until they get back, and then I have to take some action. I refuse to make it my fault that boss has backed herself in a corner.

PS- I'm digging the new Jello sugar free Boston Cream Pie pudding, Tasty!