It's coming soon though I promise. I just need to do some reflecting. Do you ever think your life is like a Monet? (I know this is a Clueless reference.) Anyway, I feel like to outside observers, my life is kind of pretty. I mean, there are a lot of blessings in my life and I am grateful for all of them. We own our home, I have a job I enjoy, my family and I are close, and I love my husband. However, there are pieces missing, and I feel like I'm doing everything wrong to fill those spaces. What do I feel is missing? Friends and family.
I really don't feel like I have friends here, but in the last year I haven't exactly been able to be a friend to others. I was so busy and so poor, that there was just no way for me to be a good friend. Nevertheless, I am really realizing how few good relationships I have. Maybe I'm just too selfish. Maybe I'm just so used to moving and leaving that I never really let anyone in. Maybe I've just been hurt by people too many times. Whatever the reason, I haven't felt this alone in a while.
The second reason is family. I want one. I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I think I would be good at it, and I'm not getting any younger. I'm married, I have a stable career, we have a home, and I feel like I'm good with kids. I just keep waiting for the perfect time, and I'm beginning to accept that no such thing exists. Money will always be tight, there will always be one more thing we want to, but if we're going to have a family we need to do it!
I try very hard to focus on my blessings. I want to be a positive person, and I feel like I project a positive vibe to most people. When you get close though, you can see how unhappy I am. My house is a mess. I carry more weight than I should. I haven't been able to get rid of my last little bit of debt. I never cook even though I love to. Why do I feel more comfortable writing this in a public forum than actually trusting that someone will be a friend to me? I guess I feel like that by writing, I'm not burdening any real people with my trivial problems. Because I do realize that my problems are trivial. There are people dying of hunger. Others who don't have shelter or clothing. Why should I be bitching that I haven't gotten up the courage to start trying for a kid? My husband is such a better person than I am. He can see things for the reality that they are: small things in comparison to real world issues. But damnit, I want to matter to someone! Even though my problems aren't nearly the same thing as war or famine or anything else. I just want someone to care about them because right now, today, they are important to me.
I'm going to write Part 3 as soon as I finish comments. That will cheer me up because it is the best part by far!
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Aw Sarah I'm sorry you feel alone right now. I think everyone feels alone at some point in time tho.
ReplyDeleteI have fun with ya whenever we hang out, even tho it's not that often. Life sorta gets in the way.
You absolutely have the right to feel down and I wouldn't feel guilty about it. Even if other people are worse off than you doesn't mean you can't ever feel sad. I get like that too, I'm sure everyone does.
Now would be a good time to get knocked up cause you'd have the baby in July which is during summer break ;)