Serious Thoughts

I usually scoff at the idea of "food addiction" and other trendy terms to describe people's excuses for being overweight. The whole idea of being a food addict seemed absurd to me. Maybe you can be addicted to french fries or something, but food? How could you possibly be addicted to something you NEED to survive. Well, understanding and self-evaluation has always come to me in strange forms. I'm sitting here, watching BBC America before I go to work. You Are What You Eat is on right now. The ladies just asked the girl where her breakfasts and lunches were. She told them that she usually only eats dinners because she does not want people to think she's just another fat girl eating. Wow. Sounds absurd right? But I am that girl!

I rarely eat at the barn, especially if my boss/trainer is there. I know how pissed she is that I'm big, so I feel like I absolutely cannot allow her to see me put anything in my mouth ever. If I do need some sort of caloric intake to keep myself from collapsing, I'll have a skim milk coffee or a sugar free jello. Same thing when my husband and I go out. All I can think is that everyone must be staring at me and judging how awful it is that this fat girl is eating. Isn't hiding the fact that you do something a bad sign? I know when I was purging, I didn't exactly share that around!

The next question of course is: how do I address the issue? Clearly I must eat. I need to eat healthy food that makes my body strong instead of junk. Finally, I need to convince myself that by changing my habits to focus on using food as fuel instead of punishments and rewards will only help get me the weight results I want.

So, if you actually read this, what do you think? Have you ever had these thoughts or feelings? How did you deal with them? Does it get easier? Man, I think I'm pretty screwed up sometimes.